Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Becoming Invisable!

I'm scared!
I'm having an operation on my back in a couple of days and i'm really scared! 
I'm so fed up of whining and wingeing about pain and aides and whellchairs and feeling like a burden on people.  My lovely neighbour knocked this morning to see if i was ok and did i need anthing from town, she's in her late 70's!!!  . . . . I used to be a really fun person to be around but pain changes you (or at least me, perhaps that proves that i am a weak person!) and twists how you communicate and feel.
Pain is ugly and makes me ugly . . .  it makes me jealous of not having my life and I realised that i was becoming resentful of people that love me and care for me because they are free to come and go as they please, with NO pain!  whereas i am confined to our house, even though it is a lovely house, i find myself moaning about everything, the neighbours are too noisy, the house is too big, i can't do this, i can't do that etc. . .  all because I am unable to do the things that i was able to do before i broke. 
DH says he loves me regardless and i truely believe him but it is very difficult to be positive when all i feel are negative emotions which is the opposite of my personality.   I was the girl that was always smiling, i saw amazing before horrible, i wanted good and so i saw good much to my detrement because i just didn't see bad things! innocent and niave..... i'd give anything to be that person now!!!
Anyway i went to the doctors who told me i am depressed!  needed a degree for that one huh!? 
Now how to become happy again . . . .  .  . .