Saturday, 20 October 2012


Seriously??  Is it just me????
I was watching a thing about boobs on telly the other night, i was having one of my nights where i wander aimlessly through the house like a ghost, hoping not to wake anyone enjoying the quiet in absolute agony unable to sit, stand or rolly polly (you never know!), back to the boob story . . . . . actually it was about breastfeeding and the trials and tribulations, do's and don'ts if you like!  I was fascinated at the amount of women who without a care in the world whip their boobs out and shove them in their screaming child's mouth, regardless of where they are, (secretly envious of the confidence that must take!!) BUT i was even more amazed at the amount of women who, now bare with me because this is not a scientific study, that ARE HAPPY TO STILL BE  BREASTFEEDING THEIR LITTLE DARLINGS AT 5+ (!?!?!?!?!) any ideas???   Just me then??? scratching of head, more furrowing of eye brows (i know . . . . . . .  i must stop doing that - getting old and all that!!!)

So there you go this is what i watched whilst waiting (really patiently!!! more furrowing of brows and internal scoldings and wagging my finger at myself!! am i loosing it - is it too late - have i already lost it!  Oh my DID I HAVE IT TO BEGIN WITH??    QUICK, help me look for my marble!) for my meds to kick in!!           Breast is Best!! 

Do you have babies?? Obviously you know i have Amazing Son and yes i breast feed him for two very long and exhausting weeks (that was all i could do, i dried up, no idea why - my midwife said it was because i was doing too much, from what i remember he would feed every four hours, and i was decorating our flat so i would feed him, leave him with my parents, go to our flat, do 3 hours of seriously exhausting decorating, with a friend, who would drive me back to my parents house, where i would have a bath, eat and then be ready with my petite little boob (That i am ashamed to say didn't even improve in size with pregnancy! i felt very cheated! lol) out (in the safety and privacy of my parents front room!) to feed Amazing Son pretty much on the dot of 4 hours later, bath him give a mummy cuddle (oh his smell . . . .  amazing!) and repeat!  This went on for 2 weeks until i had completely dried out and couldn't keep up with his appetite and had to go on to formula and baby rice! BUT in those 2 weeks i went from a size 14 to a size 10 without any effort, i had more energy than i can ever remember and i was the happiest i think i have ever been and probably the most terrified!! (DH if you are reading this you make me the happiest and safest in other ways! stroking of ego, not that he needs it!)  but i have never felt more in control and aware of my destiny if you like!  

So there you are i loved breastfeeding my Amazing Son but have very strong opinions as to when i think you should stop . . . . . . . what about you, what do you think??

Anyway shortly after watching some truly horrifying women breast feeding their not so toddlers i went to bed  hoping that that would be the end of it, but here i am a week or so later feeling the need to tell you about it so i have obviously been damaged.  

If any of my readers (should i have any! how VERY presumptuous and arrogant of me, although Naja, Kat and Nikki read me (wanted to mention you all because you are all lovely to me and say such nice things soooo HELLO!!!) breast feed their older children no offence is intended, i just find it truly curious as to why?

So answers on a post card to . . . . . 


Thursday, 18 October 2012

So much to tell you - better make yourselves comfy x

It might be a long one so make yourselves comfortable, grab a cuppa and a bicci and i shall begin!! haha

Tuesday: - I woke at 6am because i had an 8am procedure on my back in hospital!!!! ARGH! i know i completely agree.  Amazing Son had convinced me that there was absolutely no point in his going to school because he would spend the whole day fretting, so DH, Amazing Son and I poured ourselves in the car at 6.40ish to make the hourish drive for my day surgery (which in case anyone is mildly curious- i was bloody terrified of having, although i did tell amazing son i was just a little nervous (small but necessary lie! Sorry Amazing Son!!)  

Anyway we arrive and i go through the formalities, go through my paperwork, swabs etc. . . . get gowned up and led through to the Operating Room where I was told to lie on a table face down and put my head in a hole in the table, at which time a canular was being inserted into my hand and a nurse was talking quietly to me while some one else was lowering my underwear on my bum, (so there had to be about 6 staff plus my consultant and me in the room and that's when Mrs Inappropriate (me!!) pipes up with "so how many of you are looking at my bottom!?!?)) the Queen of inappropriate!! but its out there so everyone stopped and my consultant said "oh only a few of us!!!" bless him bet he couldn't wait to get rid of me!!

He talked me through the whole thing again and made me repeat what he had said, then the nurse that had been chatting earlier and laughing at me when i asked about my bum held my hand and told me i'm sorry but this is going to hurt!  HURT oh my, it was soooo much more than pain! In fact it was shouty fat Capital Letter PAIN! with an exclamation mark afterwards (just like that one!) only eight more to go, i was having facet joint injections to try to puff up my discs to decrease my pain! (HAHAHA) the lovely nurse gave me more pain relief and a little sedative and off they went again.

An hour of so later i was being wheeled out into recovery, chatting to everyone that would make eye contact (i soooo miss people so have learnt to talk at every opportunity, i do get strange looks sometimes,especially when whomever i am chatting to gets bored and just wanders off!)  My nurse gave me a cup of tea and a biscuit (no eye contact!!) and a little while later once they were confident i wasn't going to keel over they let me dress and allowed DH and Amazing Son to take me home, no thank you we do not need the wheelchair!

Anesthetics is a wonderful but also a very dangerous thing because the fact that the nurses said "go home be careful DO NOT do anything", I, being me, knew better!!, but i quickly learnt how anesthetic hides the monsters below! Why don't we go to Morrisons on the way home and get some bits so we don't have to go out for a few days, says I! DH looked at me as if i was mad but i looked OK and appeared to be in absolutely no pain, discomfort maybe but defo no pain!!  The first ten minutes of trapsing around were fine by which time the anesthetic was wearing off QUICKLY, i was struggling to put one foot in front of the other, and the pain was coming, in waves practically knocking me over!! Luckily DH was well aware of my plight and quick to the batmobile lets get mum home!!! literally surrounding me with their bodies so i wouldn't get knocked or bumped they armed themselves with the bags of shopping and walked/limped/dragged me to car and we sped off with my chicken fillet and wedges, well a girl has to eat!!

I spent the rest of the day curled up in the fetal position on the sofa with as many painkillers as i was allowed including my diazepam!  DH cooked dinner for us and took me to bed!


Being unable to move is a curious thing, i spent the majority of yesterday snuggled on DH's lap feeling very sorry for myself in a lot of pain and eight holes that Amazing Son likes looking at in my back!

Takeaway is a must i think!

Friday, 5 October 2012

Hope - We Have Become Strangers!

Life is so hard at the moment - lots of closure and unwelcome new beginnings!

I have been registered disabled and that is a lot to digest!  

DH's parents house is about to sell - the end is in sight and I thought that this would be a good thing, you know the closure that was healthy but . . . . . . . . . i have started to doubt myself - what do i know anyway!? All his memories are tried up there, his first marriage and his babies all tied to that house, fights and laughter, tears and tantrums, all caught up like a spiders web in that house!  It must be like loosing everything all over again and that has to be hard to let go of.

I know how hard it was for me when my parents sold up and moved out of the country, Amazing Son was just a toddler and DH and I had only been together a short while, i remember it felt like my security blanket had been taken away, that my safety net  - well it vanished, like a magic trick!.  I shall let you into a secret, when i get really (and it has to be really) low i still ring my parents original home phone number!! I know i too think it is SAD!!!!!  

I'm lying on my bed (actually kind of crouched on the side of the bed really because i hurt, but I'm so bloody stubborn i wont tell anyone! and I can't take anymore meds for an hour)  

I have formally been registered as a disabled person and this is hard for me because i seem to have lost me (not sure where i put myself down!) (no idea how to fill my days - although some days i have no day to fill because of pain and drugs and i seem to be struggling with memories this week, this week has been sooooo hard!, i have had so many conversations with people but it (scarily!) turns out i had them (vividly) in my head!! (Apparently a side effect of diazepam!) but i'm not sure that anyone has noticed how hard just doing the basic stuff is!!)   Anyway I had to go out again today without socks on because i forgot to ask for help! Asking for help is very hard! 

Hope tomorrows a better day!