Sunday, 23 September 2012

Time is Fleeting, Enjoy Enjoy Enjoy!!

Do you know what it feels like to be loved and to love back . . . . i am very lucky to say i do! : D

I was sitting on the sofa last night watching some sort of crime documentary wondering if and when i was even going to be able to go to sleep (it was 2am and i had been up since about 9.30pm) in agony, drugged (prescription only of course :D!!) and that's when i heard the gentle pitta patta of thuds coming down the stairs and then DH's large handsome self was looming in the doorway - saying something about if your sleeping down here then so am I!!  Sleeping who said anything about sleeping???  some people can go a whole lifetime not being loved or seen by someone but not me! i really do know how lucky i am!! 

So I read him my post and he made the usual comments all the time rubbing and massaging my feet then he grabbed a cushion and lay down on the sofa with his head in my lap and fell asleep saying that as long as he was with me he was home!! Seriously whats not to love right!!  Oh while he slept he held my hand . . . .the whole time!

I know how loved i am and my Mr Amazing you are also loved by me all the time! 

But i am very tired today and am wishing that i hadn't said i would cook roast beef! oh well nearly there!  time for the Yorkshire Puddings!!  

Enjoy your Sunday x x 

Nothing is Accidental!

I need to snuggle under the magic blanket, to feel its healing powers! Pain is not my friend! Pain is evil and i say this after an extensive amount of time being spent with Pain!

My head is very busy (perhaps i just need to start to listen to Kenny G again!). . . . I am very tired so DH (who has been my Mr Wonderful and nothings too much trouble recently!) and I went to bed by 7.45pm, with Amazing son and Inherited dog (they appear to be joined at the hip at present also going to bed to watch X Factor (i know Inherited Dog in Amazing Sons bed!!! . . . Note to self . . . .this must be addressed!!) But i was just sooo tired and obviously a terrible mum but as soon as my head hit the pillow i was away with the fairies but by 9.30ish I was up wishing i had an on/off switch and that my back/shoulder/hip/big toe/hair/eyebrows etc didn't hurt enough for me to again contemplate being a lonely old bag lady that keeps cats, to save my beautiful family the pain of listening to me whine and whinge (i used spell check but it still looks wrong!!) again!! (pain makes you a very bad horrible mean nasty person!!  and in my last post i said i think its me whose changed, that's what i meant but i think there is also a fairly unhealthy dose of self pity in there too! So anyway Diazipam my friend its you and me again as well as the usual cocktail of mediciness that "help!"  These are my helpful drugs!! 

I attend a Pain Clinic and as well as trying various new drug regimes, they have been trying to teach me how to manage (is this even possible?) my pain and my flare ups!! Don't do too much, don't do too little, don't ignore your body, don't ignore the pain etc!!

Nurse : - have you tried meditation?? 
Me: - No Will it make my pain go away??  
Nurse: - No but you might find it useful!  
Me: - Why not!! (the only think with this is that my meds have side effects and ONE of the major ones is not retaining information, basically i am now a scatty person! so concentrating is challenging to say the least!  But i shall try and let you know how the meditation pans out! 

Sometimes it is very difficult to get the words out of my head intact, so that you can see the sentence in the order i had it is my head and in a way that makes sense to you that doesn't frustrate me. . . . . (hopefully i am not being too presumptuous BUT when i say you that's YOU; my lovely readers!! tapping the glass . . . . . . Are you there??)

I LOVE you Dolce Gusto!

My movement has become very limited recently in as far as when my boys leave for their fun filled, work packed day, my day of doing very little begins (and for those that say i would love to be at home all day every day - let me tell you the novelty wears off very quickly!.  I am no longer able to lift my kettle so my wonderful Hubby (DH) bought me a Krups coffee one touch machine! I love it its like having a Costa in the kitchen.  No lifting involved!  Look that's it there even down to the colour! He does look after me well.   He fills it with water before he leaves for work and that does me for the day or at least until Amazing Son comes in from school! 

I worry about my Amazing Son because he looks after me a lot, he helps me dress and does other unmentionables!! (LOTS!!!) that perhaps he is loosing his childhood because he is spending it looking after me! and that's when the good old Catholic guilt creeps in! 

DH and I were talking the other day, only because the weather is changing so quickly (this was not why we were talking! we talk everyday, all the time!! LOL) that i am going to have to stop wearing my flopflips and start wearing socks and boots.  I can't put on either and have to ask for help and asking for help is my most worst talent!! Its like handing your independence over to someone else! My pride is taking a battering!! i know pathetic!! there are lots of people out there so much worse than me with illnesses that threaten lives and i'm whining about a crumbling spine and please don't misunderstand me i know i am probably the most shallow person alive but i was always so very proud that i could take care of my family, (that it wasn't just down to DH to look after us, we could both do it, i looked after him and he looked after me and together we looked after the children!) i was so independent and loved paying my way - showing Amazing Son how important it is to go to work and pay your way! The sense of pride and achievement it gave you to know that you didn't need anyone to help you - you were the master of your own destiny!! To be able to hold your head up at the end of each month because the money in your pocket was earned!  It was one of the most valued lessons i was ever taught.  This is why i find it so very difficult to ask anyone especially Amazing Son and DH for help, i hate that i can no longer put my own socks on.  Seriously i wore tights this morning and had i recorded me trying to put them on i would have without a shadow of a doubt won the £250 or however much they pay from You've Been Framed!!  You Tube would have loved me!! 

DH tells me it's time i "got my head around my disability!" but it is very difficult - i keep reminding him he wouldn't be so eager to hand his life as he knows it back! 

We are talking about having safety bars put in my lovely En Suite! not the look i was going for when i designed it! :(!!  We need to change my beautiful kitchen because its all at low level!!  We've got to change the sofas because i can no longer get comfortable and lying in a bed is difficult, so basically we have to change the whole house :'( I LOVE MY HOUSE! 

Life is changing - not sure if its evolving, just changing! on the plus side (thank goodness i can hear you cry!!) (there are lots of plus sides i just get overloaded with pain and boredom and we all know where that leads, idle hands and all that! hahaha)  i do get to spend much more time with my Amazing Son and that is priceless! i am blessed with my wonderful family!  

Sorry this has been an uncharacteristically (hopefully!!) depressing post! Happiness i have been reliably informed in due any day now! Perhaps our postman will deliver it on Monday, (do you think it will come in an envelope or a package?? scratching of head - bizarre thoughts!)

Oh the plus side (get me another positive!) my most wonderful and dare i tell you for fear of kidnap, sexy hubby sent me the most amazing flowers the day before yesterday because get this . . . . . i was having a rough argh i'm in pain day! so for all the rubbish i put him through he still manages to love me! i am the luckiest girl alive - thanks to my boys!! 

I have developed a Budha Belly so on lottery days (Tuesdays and Fridays) we rub the Budha Belly (all hail the BB!) and chant:  - we would very much like to win the Lottery jackpot please! so perhaps i shall check last nights numbers because who knows!

Speak soon and thanks for listening - i feel better already but that could also be the diazipam! : D 

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Last stop the Funny Farm!! Ohh can we go Please!!

Miss me???
Its been a while since I last blogged, since I last had anything sensible to say!  (you have no idea!)
The last time we spoke I was going to tell you how I didn't need you anymore, that I was healed, that YOU had healed ME!! (!), How funny am I?? Healed??? (i shouldn't be allowed to even say that word in my head!) I put my hands in the air i am not a well rounded individual, i am as far as shapes go oval, I think that would best describe me! A kind of egg shaped person rolling unchartered lands and hills (when i say roaming i really mean falling with little to no dignity right?)
I spend my life looking at the world from the inside of the window, which probably accounts for why I get so bloody angry at life and the world and people and etc. . . . .   I watch children play and get grumpy at the noise, I watch the young couple that live across the road laughing while they chat and take the top of their convertable down (Honestly I do!!) and i want to be them!! and then i catch myself because seriously what am i thinking(?). . . . . .(see healed!!! who am i kidding!!)   
My life hasn't changed but i think i have - i think i need to talk about it, does anyone own a couch (every good therapist has a couch!! te hehehe)
My favourite Shakespearean quote "a stage where eveyone must play a part, and mine a sad one!" Merchant of Venice
Does anyone read this??