Saturday, 7 April 2012

Black is the colour I wear in my head!

I feel sad! 

I have felt like crying from the moment i got up, and i am not sure why but it could be for a number of reasons . . . . .

  1. I have a cold - thanks DH
  2. My back hurts so much that i am unable to walk properly and its making me feel very very old!!  Perhaps i should reconsider the Shopmobility scooter, except it can't be used around the house and i don't think it will make emptying the dishwasher any easier!
  3. My stepson doesn't want to come over at the weekend.  
  4. It's coming up to three years since DH's dad died and it still feels very real and raw.
  5. I miss my mum & dad so much and I feel guilty about it!  i know this is completely bonkers and nobody has ever said anything to make me feel this way.  It just feels wrong to flaunt my healthy parents in DH's face, when the enormity of losing both his mum and dad in such a short space of time is so overwhelming.  I have felt guilty about still having parents since DH's dad died, almost apologetic that my mum & dad are alive and well. ridiculous!!!

See now I'm crying! tonight's' blog is very self indulgent, I'm so sorry but my head is so full of emptiness and I'm not sure how to quash it!

I am going to try to tackle the above points but I'm emotional so bear with me!!

My cold is horrible and well pretty disgusting so that's enough about that!

My back is a mute subject too . . . . . . . . . bored of discussing it really so that's enough about that too for now.

I hate going to the cemetery, it reminds me of everything I'm trying to forget, of how alone and isolated their deaths have made us feel!  Sometimes i panic about dying - perhaps because we have been surrounded by death for the past few years, or maybe I'm just wallowing, yes i think tonight i am wallowing, sorry normal blogging should resume tomorrow but for now i am indulging my wallow!!  

We went to the cemetery just before Mother's Day to put flowers down for DH's mum but it's her birthday just a few days before dads anniversary so we will be going back to the cemetery soon.

Things have fallen apart a little in the 7 months since DH's mum died, I think the family are now finally able to mourn their dad as well as their mum and this is hard,  DH's family has ceased to be The Waltons and are in danger of becoming disjointed!  We hate driving back home now because it reminds us that dad's not in the garden chatting away to his daffs over a coffee and mums not watching the football screaming at the television when her beloved Man United miss an opportunity to score or outwit the other team!  Life isn't as colourful without them!!  When DH puts on his glasses he says its like looking at life in HD . . .  well no more HD!

His mum and dad have become the elephants in the room that nobody wants to talk about, yet we do talk about them! We are still licking our wounds and telling the world we're fine but underneath I'm not sure that we are!

I'm making no sense at all and this much self pity really should be contained so I'm going to go to bed

If your reading this take some headache tablets and accept my sincere apologies!

No comments:

Post a Comment